Sounds lame, but she put a lot of things into perspective and honestly I walked away very concerned. There are some people who are rarely single and go from one relationship to the next, and then there's people like me who have never really been in a relationship per se. The longest "relationship" I've had was a month... it hardly counts.
Tamara Anderson (the speaker) talked about four stages to a relationship:
1) Giddy, this person is "perfect"
2) Wow, this person kind of irritates me, or has some qualities that I don't like
3) We can work on these things, but how does it reflect on me (she called it the "narcissistic" stage). When you're concerned with how the person makes you look.
4) The "in my corner" deep relationship. When you know that no matter what, no matter where, or no matter if they agree with the situation, they'll get your back, they'll be in your corner, because they know that no matter how you got there, that's what you need to hear for the time. This step often doesn't come for many, many years.
She talked about how wonderful step one is and that our culture thrives on it. The feelings of "oh, I might get to see them tonight" or "I can't wait for him to call!" It's exciting, it's new, and it's unknown territory. Then when people get to step two and realize that this person has flaws, and is indeed human, they want to back out and go back to the step one process all over again. She related it to all the couples she has counciled in relation to affairs. People who get tangled up in affairs normally thrive for the step one again and they find it. The problem is, after awhile, the relationship has gotten to the point of step two again, and then they want to back out and find another.
This struck home as I began realizing why I've never been in a relationship more than a month. I get so scared. I want a relationship so badly and when I find someone who makes me laugh and has qualities that are seemingly scarce nowadays, I latch on. When things begin to move forward, I get even more excited, but at some point, I close myself off and back away.
I don't even know how a relationship is supposed to work. I don't have any experience in that regard. When I have found myself in a relationship, I often do not voice my opinion because I'm afraid of that person losing interest and getting into fights. I realize that this isn't good, but I am so afraid of screwing things up, that I guess I just take no chances. Then, I always end up breaking up with the person because they start to annoy me or I don't like how things are progressing and instead of trying to talk it out or figure out how to make things different, I guess I assume it's a lost cause and I just break all ties and try to move on.
I'm so terrified that when God sends a good man in my life that I could see myself with, that I won't even know how to react and that I'll just keep running from conflict and running from the growing process of a relationship.
How do I know if the "flaws" are worth the time and effort? How do I know when I'm just getting scared, to be scared? I'm so worried because I honestly feel like some people are born to be a teacher, an engineer, a scientist, but I honestly believe that I was born to be a mother. I want to find a husband and start a family.
I don't even know how dating works.
The worst part is, I don't know how to learn to change my feelings and head when it comes to this. Now that I realize how I handle (or don't handle) the idea of committing myself to another person, where do I go from here? How do I change my view of what I'm "looking for," if I don't know what it is?
Ugh. I just feel like I have so much offer, and I want to be able to see what others have to offer without running away. I want to get to step four someday, and at this rate I'm not sure how long it could take.
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