Goodbye.

Finally sat down to say goodbye. I typed it because I had a lot of ideas to sort through, but I think it was personal enough.

January 16, 2009

Dear Steven,

It has been but a couple of weeks since I have heard from you, and unfortunately I feel as though it has been much longer. Let me take you back a little bit and show you where I am coming from.

November 24, 2008
I saved this conversation, it was the first time you told me that you had feelings for me this summer.

[Inserted conversation, but you know the gist already I think]

This conversation indicates that you were in fact single, and you sounded pretty serious to me. On November 29, you called me. Wasted. You told me you loved me. You told me that you wished we could be together and that you would do anything to see me again. Now, how much of this is true, I don’t know. It could easily have been the alcohol speaking for you. I’ve come to realize this.
What I have yet to realize is if in fact you had been single. I would text you almost on a daily basis just to remind you that I’m here for you, because I knew that you were going through some pretty difficult trials. I stopped expecting a reply, but hoped on occasion you would. You did. Each time you did, it redeemed you in my eyes.
However, without you telling me, I am confident that you are once again (or maybe always have been) in your relationship. This hurts a lot. Not because I assumed things could work out, being in the places we are, but the fact that you never mentioned it, and still haven’t.
It’s really hard to move on when it all seems so unfinished. You told me everything I wanted to hear. I ate it up, every single word. I was even getting to the point of planning a trip to come see you. You told me you’d be there waiting. Now I feel foolish. I don’t think you lied to me or you were making up your “feelings,” but I don’t know if you realized the weight of what you’ve said. I am very appreciative that you have been so open with me, but it destroys me to know that words only have so much meaning.
If there's anything I've learned since being away from everyone I've ever loved and everything I've ever known, it is that the ones you love are always a part of you. We are always told this, but rarely do we realize just how real it is until the rug is pulled out from underneath us. People aren't only a part of our memories, but a part of the being we are, and the person we've become.
I heard in a movie once, "The Greeks didn't write obituaries. When a man died, they asked only one question: did he have passion?” I have so much passion in life, music, God, etc. and it leaks thoroughly into every aspect of my life (relationships especially). For this, I am blessed and cursed.
I don't think the next step for me is trying to take back all that has filtered into what I imagined in my head with us, and trying to forget all that was invested in order to move on, because when one cares as deeply as I have, this task is simply impossible. I think time will start to help me realize that this passion will once again (or continue) to flow into every area of my life. The point of turning, I believe, will come when my heart allows my eyes to see it. That point has yet to come.
For you, I am thankful. I am thankful to have spent a summer with someone to whom I could barely get to know, but get to know on a profound, intimate level at the same time. I cannot repay you for comfort you gave me the night Rick took advantage of me. I had never been more scared, but in return, I had never felt more secure, with you sitting next to me. Thank you.
As you know, I love the movie Serendipity. I love this quote, because I believe it couldn’t be stated any better: “Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. But rather, it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan."
I know that the friendship we were able to create over the summer is unique. I know that it was no accident, and I know that it is a part of God’s divine plan. I don’t know where we’ll be in years to come or what our lives have in store for us, but I do know that it will be an adventure. It will be full of interruptions and complications, but in the end, it will be lovely.
Maybe our paths will cross again, maybe they won’t. Who knows where we will end up. In any event, know that I will truly always be here for you.
Always.
I’ll be here to share a smile.
I’ll be here to cry with you.
I will.
I hope to hear from you sometime soon, but I know life gets complicated.

I love you dearly, and always will.

[signed here]

PS. I was totally jamming earlier and doing my head nod, you’d be proud ☺