I look back at my other sites with much more pain because of the memories and confusion trapped there, but as I look at my progression in facebook notes and all that I've grown over the past year, it is comforting to know that I am indeed shaping into a person that I've wanted to be for a long time.
I feel as though I'm finally becoming the person that for so long I thought I already was. Embarrassingly I know now that I was merely convincing myself of a deep lie. I knew that I wasn't feeling or breathing all that I hoped I was, but over this past year, I have definitely found the oxygen to my being.
I am so driven and I am so happy and content. For the first time, it's enough. Knowing and more importantly believing all that for so long I just blindly believed. I feel so ashamed that I had such childlike faith before.
Now now now, though some versions of the Bible refer to childlike faith as an inspiring quality and something to strive to have, I know now that this wasn't the intent of the original text. God wants us to be humble like a child but He does not want us to be naive or open to influence like that of a child. I used to be naive in my faith. I can assure you now that I am well informed and excited to impact the world.
I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm a "so Cal" girl now. I don't believe I am. It's 90 degrees on November 17 and I don't like that one bit. I wish I was wearing a sweatshirt every day, having to scrape off my car to drive anywhere. I wish that the words "let it snow" were a reality. I wish that drinking hot drinks were a necessity to keep warm on long walks or drives, as opposed to a nice drink is actually cooler than the temperature outside. I wish to feel the relief upon entering a building for the comfort of the fireplace or heater. I miss rosy noses and cheeks and cuddling to a good movie as the snow falls down outside. "So Cal" girl, is So Not me.
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