Ache.

I love reading your posts, Joey. Poetic. Real. and yet... depressing. But, I like the fact that I can read a lot of the things that I wish we could talk about in person... but we haven't really had any sufficient time alone for a long time. I wish we could have another date sometime. Maybe over Christmas break or something.

I have a date tomorrow.  I'm pretty excited... but not.... 

I have a lot to sort out... I have come to realize that I have given pieces to my heart of many, many guys... guys that promised me things, manipulated me with words for kisses. Each time I get a call or text from one of these guys, all of the feelings come flooding back.  Feelings that I thought I suppressed throughly.  I have given love to those who I thought could love me back.  In return, I sit here missing those pieces that I only wish I could receive again. Pieces that I feel will be missing from me until the day I die. Pieces that I wish I would have saved for someone worthy of them, someone who would take those pieces and cherish them, not hold them against me and use them to manipulate.

Jesse.

Jared.

Jeremiah.

Nick.

Niles.

Ryan.

Travis.

....and the list goes on.

But now I'm sitting here with a very real situation. 

Mat is the one I'm going on the date with tomorrow. He liked me all summer at Bluecoats and he was always so nice and I really had a good time with him.  He's taking me out tomorrow and I am truly excited to get to see him and I think it'll be good.  I would be more excited it some events didn't happen earlier this week that have preoccupied my heart so heavily....

Stevo was one boy this summer that I fell for. Fast. He was an incredibly attractive, smart musician who became a rock to me.  We became fast friends, but everyone knew that he had a girlfriend back home. He called her every break, every minute he could.  I knew that I didn't want to mess that up, because it seemed as though they were "in love." I kept my distance and told myself not to get wrapped up.  He was there for me though. Through everything.  Through the most scary night of my life (nearly getting raped... Rick) and through little, or not so little things as getting my phone stolen by a gang of kids.  He was there. 

A couple nights after the incident in the gym with Rick, I sat next to Stevo on the bus while the rest of the bus had a dance party.  He never partied... You would normally find him on the phone with his girlfriend in the front seat, instead.  Rick was his seat partner.  Eventually Rick came up and asked for something from under his seat (the one I was sitting in at the time). I gave it to him coldly, and remarked to Stevo, when he was a little confused, "Rick and I aren't on the best of terms right now."  

I didn't expect him to ask, but he did. I tried to give him a brief overview of what happened, but in turn he asked me very detailed questions, with the upmost concern.  

He got pissed.  

He said, "I would never treat you like that.... I mean... if I didn't have a girlfriend". 

When I lost my phone, he lead the group to go after those kids, and he held me when I cried (... it was all I had to stay in touch with friends from home for the three months and then with the move to Cali... it really upset me). 

I always thought he was just being nice, even though I'm sure it was painfully obvious how much I liked him...

Someone from bloo texted me earlier this week to profess his love for me (ew...) and I texted Stevo and said "Drew said he has liked me since the day he met me... weird!?"

and he said, "haha... would it be weird if I liked you?"

Then it began... 

[Me: "No.. haha. he's just gross. Wait... did you?"]

Stevo: "Yes. So very much. I just couldn't cuz you know..."

            "Wish you lived closer..."

[Me: "If it were that easy... I would be there already... I don't think you really understand..."]

Stevo: "I do. Believe me. Move to Mississippi..."

            "God. I miss the hell out of you."

    "I just wish I would have been with you instead..."

    "You were the best part of my summer.  I couldn't have made it without you."

[Me: "I don't know if you remember, but after finals, you kissed my cheek. I just want to let you know how much that meant to me."]

Stevo: "I remember not wanting to let go of you."

    "I'm sorry babe.  I'm gonna see you soon.  I miss you so much.  I'm ready to kiss you again."

[Me: "Wow. I had no idea you actually had feelings for me."]

Stevo: "Yeah I did. Still do.  Just wasn't much I could do at the time."

    "Have you ever been in love with someone and been in a relationship with someone else?... that's how I felt"

[Me: "I remember wishing that I was the one you wanted to be with. You were always right there, and I knew I couldn't have you."]

Stevo: "But I would have if I were single. Now that I am we're so far away from each other, it breaks my heart."

[Me: "I had no idea you guys broke up... I'm so sorry... and thank you so much for all you did for me that night I told you about Rick."

Stevo: "No. it's ok.  I would NEVER do anything like that to you."

    "I want you now and I can't have you."

    "There's just something about you.... You make me SO happy."

These past few days I've been dwelling in this conversation of things left undone.  I have never missed (or loved?) someone this much.  My heart is in my throat, I feel like I could vomit... I don't even have experience with a relationship with him, all I know is that I've never seen anyone who knows how to treat a woman with the upmost respect and love as Stevo does.  He's different. I can't stop thinking about him, and everytime I think of him, I ache. There's really no other way to describe it. I ache. I miss him. I care about him... I love him. 

When I think about the date now, all I think about is how much I wish Stevo was the one waiting for me on the other side. I wish he was the one whose arms I will run into.  I have felt a lot and given a lot away to people as I've mentioned before... but he gave me more in return.

Wow.

I feel so dumb for the content of this blog, but I haven't allowed myself to sort it out. I haven't taken the time to see the things that have really gotten me to where I am with stevo (PS. that IS a nickname... Steven).