I am mud.

What a night of self-evaluation.

Mixed emotions.
Anger.
Bitterness.
Thankfulness.
Depression.
Humbleness.

I was convicted tonight of my state of mind.
John's death has taken me to a place this week that I never thought I'd get to.

I always thought that I was a strong enough person to not let myself waver in my heart and my convictions when it comes to times like this.
Tonight I had to face a self that I did not recognize.

I've gotten to that place.
The place everyone talks about when it comes to dealing with death.
The anger.
He was so young. 0r He was a good person. or Why now?

The bitterness that comes with losing someone who was good, and someone so dear to those who knew him, those who loved him.

The frustration that surfaces in hearing the words "I understand" or "God has a plan in this" or "God loves you"... etc. from others. 

Sometimes you just have to mourn.

I know those phrases, but it doesn't bring him back.

I went to Singspiration tonight (an hour of only Worship songs, every Sunday night), and I had to see some parts of my soul that I did not want to unveil.

I stopped singing, realizing that I did not like the words coming from my mouth; that I was singing... to sing... 

It was when the words that we came to were lines like "For You take my pain away" and "You know my hurt."  

I just couldn't get myself to speak these words.  My heart was cold, my tears fire, and my pain real.  
I sat down. Bitter. Cold. Confused. 

Where was this coming from? Haven't I built a foundation strong enough to withstand trials like this over the years?  Was I just fooling myself? 

I just prayed, "God. Please soften my heart, because right now I'm having trouble talking to you. I don't want this, but I know that I need it. I'm angry and bitter, and I don't know how not to be and I'm afraid that I'm not ready to be anything else."  

As I stared at the words on the screen and the voices lifted around me, though my heart was tough, tears fled down my cheeks, and on to my white sweatshirt as if they'd never been given a chance to escape.  

My brow still tight, and my jaw clenched shut, the tears began to relax my face as if I was baptising myself all over again, only in the stupidity and helplessness of my inner crumblings.

I read the words on the screen which now stated:

"What good is it to gain the whole world, but lose your soul?
What good is it to make a sweet sound, but remain proud?"

Proud. 

Arrogant? 

Pathetic. 

All of which could describe me to a tee at this moment. 

The song continues:


"And take my life, let it be everything, all of me
Here I am, use me for Your glory
In everything I say and do, let my life honor You
Here I am living for Your glory"

By this point the past three years and the past 5 deaths came racing through my head. Gradually picking up speed as I realized that I don't know my time here on earth.  I don't know if I'm going to finish writing this sentence, or finish out the week. I don't know when that final grain of sand will fall in my life's hourglass. 

They didn't know. 

For some reason, my view was reversed and the depression of losing those close to me turned into, "what am I doing with my life and will I be satisfied with the way I lived it if my time comes tomorrow, tonight, this minute?"

 

"Seeking first the Kingdom

Seeking first the Kingdom of my Lord"

I am no better than any person.

I am dirt.

Absolute mud.

But I am choosing to let God's seed plant itself there.

I am choosing (though sometimes difficult right now, and still seeking the right mindset) to surrender to the flowers/weeds that present themselves to me.