Michelle left this morning, we spent the day together yesterday. We watched Rudolph and iced cookies, then went downtown San Fran for the evening. I am lucky to have met someone at school who lives but an hour from me. She left after lunch today. Then I spent the rest of the day in the quiet quarters of the new home.
It was a good time, it helped masked the fact that I have no friends or people I know here. After Michelle left, I started realizing more than ever my loneliness. Every single thing that happened today left me choked up, and I felt as though I was about to burst into tears. I watched a lot of tv, and the littlest "sentimental" things that happened in the shows almost made me lose it. I rarely if ever cry in media things whether it be movies, or tv. I was fighting a break down all day.
It's the holidays and I have never been more depressed. With the stress and go-go-go lifestyle gone of school, all I have to think about is my state of mind. It has left me lethargic and depressed. I haven't eaten this much in years. It sucks because I don't even care.
I hate being thousands of miles from people I love.
I just want to be in the familiar. It another night of the continual flow of tears. I always cry alone in my room. My mom probably hasn't seen me cry in a couple years. Especially since my dad moved here. She was so depressed herself (understandable) that I assumed the position of the stronger person. I never let her see me cry, because I guess in some aspect I felt as though it would only worsen her depression. I felt as though it would be selfish of me when she's the one living without her husband. I guess I tried to toughen up more than I could handle, because now I have more than enough repressed feelings from the move. I even forced myself not to shed a tear the day we left Greenfield until I was taking a shower that night and she couldn't hear me. I was just sitting in the living room on my computer and I left to come in here so I could write without them seeing me upset.
I can't say it enough. I want to go home. I just want to go home.
1 comment:
lydia, i think you need to cry. Supressing that is the second worst thing you can do. the first being to ignore what's causing the tears.
Just realize that this is NOT something that could ever be avoided. feeling like this does NOT make you weak. anyone in your shoes who had a soul would feel depressed and lonely and homesick. The thing is, you're such a passionate person, it does nothing but help you feel things 10 times stronger.
And i'm sure it absolutely sucks to know that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. you don't have the resources/time/opportunity to move back here or anything. and what opportunity you do have, you're taking advantage of on your trip this summer. I can't even imagine what you're going through. no matter where it is, it seems like it would be so difficult to feel whole. if you stayed here, you'd be without your family and new school. if you're there you're without your "home" and memories... There's no winning with any of this. I think it's just one of those things where you need to feel it and release it. You are the only one who can make it better. i'm not saying that you should live in the past and delve into the life you used to have. i think that won't help you. but still hold onto what you had and feel the pain. let your past shape you, but not control you...
I admire you so much for being able to handle this as well as you have. You've been a real trooper and even though your mom might prefer to see you feel a bit more, i'm sure you really helped make the transition easier for her. you should be proud of yourself for being such a considerate daughter.
i love you.
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