Changing...

Last night, I was sitting in a gym of a thousand students as we waited for a night of praise and worship to begin. People were sharing stories of their weekends, laughing, and enjoying the company of those close at hand.

The screen up front encouraged us to quietly enter and prepare our hearts for worship. Naturally, the screen went unnoticed and level of noise continued to rise as people filed in. Interestingly, it was at the peak of this noise, I could distinguish the sound of a string and piano medley trickling in the background through the speakers.

I decided to sit down, close my eyes and concentrate on the notes that encapsulated the very few of us focusing on them. I was in the middle of the crowd, but as I sat down and closed my eyes, I felt the music drown out the white noise around me. I could feel the notes as they arpeggiated off the brick walls, almost as if I could reach out and rearrange the notes if I pleased.

I felt different.
Sad? No.
Happy? No.
Discontent? Maybe.
Just different.

Then I realized, I am changing, something inside of me is shifting. I can’t really describe it except that maybe I am finally starting to understand life a little better. I am less prone to think through others’ ideology, and I find myself slowly quieting myself to truth…to the things that are sometimes left unnoticed or regarded as meaningless. Funny enough, that Truth is the only meaning I have left in my life, but that is not something I am ashamed of. It is far more than I ever deserve.

There is something humbling about staying quiet and drinking in everything that surrounds us. It is a vulnerable state. I am trying to practice this more frequently, but I find myself quickly falling back to the learned methods of chaos. I am no better than anyone.

I have become more disheartened these past few weeks. I am learning that I have limited ability. I will never be all that I can be (Maslow would be disappointed), because there will always be something to improve upon…but I’m okay with that. I am learning that I cannot always trust people like I want to, and I am learning that I cannot always love people and expect them to love in return. In other words, I finally realized the extent of being human and living in a fallen world.

The more I live, the more I realize that I am living by the grace of God. I am selfish, prideful, arrogant, greedy, and worthless (I'm sure I left plenty out). It is Christ who redeems me and lets me fall into the arms of grace each time I fail. I am reminded daily of my inadequacies which I am slowly trying to minimize, and I am blessed with each breath I take.


"I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing." -Donald Miller